How to Be Unattractive
And here it is – just what you’ve been waiting for – your unscientific, unofficial guide to the top ten ways to be unattractive to the opposite sex.
During the many years I was single again I came across a lot of people very skilled at being unattractive. This unattractiveness included but was not limited to unattractive looks, attitudes, and behaviors. While this was irritating in regards to finding a date, it was very helpful in competing for the attention of someone I was interested in. In many cases, the competition was very skilled at being unattractive.
Anyway, without further ado …
#10 Dress Funny
Wear that outdated, mismatched, worn out clothing that people who love you warn you to never wear in public. Express your quirkiness by bucking accepted style trends – you know – trends like wearing clothes that match, have complementary colors, or fit properly. Also, you could, as a grownup, wear shirts with juvenile sayings on them.
#9 Act Like Your Date is Not Important
Interrupt and talk over your date. In general, make sure that they know you and your opinions are important – them and their opinions – not so much. Pay more attention to other people in the room than to them. For instance, if you are a guy, you could chat-up and/or ogle the waitress. Show up late – especially for no good reason – with no explanation – on multiple occasions.
#8 Be Gross
Pick your nose. Sneeze into your hand then shake hands with people. Forget to use deodorant. Show up with alcohol on your breath and your tongue good and lubricated so you can say all kinds of things you think are very clever. Never check yourself in the mirror before you leave for your date. Just, in general, be gross, unmindful, and unkempt.
#7 Be A Terrible Conversationalist
Only be conversant in one very obscure or morbid subject. Don’t read a lot and don’t keep up with current news stories, sports stories, scientific discoveries, or any other possibly interesting subject.
#6 Be a Debbie Downer
Talk about diseases, natural disasters, lingering infections, your aunt’s toe fungus, your long deceased pet’s tragic death, your distant cousin’s car crash, and all the things you don’t like about everything. Make sure that every time someone changes the subject to happier, more lighthearted matters you seize the opportunity to segue to a very sad or troubling story.
#5 Act Flakey and Unstable
Try to get really serious really quickly. Indicate that you are wanting to get married as soon as possible. Ask lots of really personal questions at the beginning of your first date – bonus points for taking notes.
#4 Talk Incessantly About Your Ex
#3 Make It All About You
Talk about yourself – a lot. Any time the conversation veers away from you, steer it back – repeatedly and forcefully if necessary. Make frequent use of the words I, me, and my, and stay away from asking about them. Talk a lot about what you need in a spouse and ask if they can handle that.
#2 Lack Self-Confidence
Act shy. Apologize a lot. Put yourself down every chance you get. Remember, they are much too good for you. You don’t deserve to go out with them. In fact, they probably only went on this date because they feel sorry for you.
#1 Be A Jerk
Talk down to people. Act angry and impatient. Brag. Show off. Point out everyone’s faults and how superior you are. Perhaps you could use racial slurs or make fun of a disabled person. Or, you could make a big deal about paying for everything. And, just for good measure, be sure you forget your wallet.
What Did I Forget?
Oh, and one bonus tip, mostly for older guys – go for the comb-over!
And there you have it, your top ten ways and one bonus way to be unattractive to the opposite sex. Did I forget a few? Let me know in the comments.
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