It doesn’t matter if you’ve been single six months or sixteen years, the question is always the same. Why am I still single? Everyone else makes it look so easy. It seems like I’m the only one struggling this much and staying single this long.
Truth and Untruth
Sometimes it’s true. There are people who just make it look easy. They always seem to have a date and when they don’t they have something cool going on with their friends.
Other times, things are not as they appear. Your perception is that they are doing great, but actually, in private they are struggling – just like you.
But enough about them. What about you? Why are you still single?
There’s Something Wrong With Me
At times in our journey as singles, we have all wondered if we are still single because there is something wrong with us. I know I did.
Yes There Is, But …
The truth is that there is something wrong with you, probably multiple things. The same goes for me. But, the truth is that there are also multiple things wrong with the people you think make it look easy. No one is perfect. Thank God, the truth is that you do not have to be perfect to be successful at singleness or at marriage.
Also, your problems are probably not irreparable. The overwhelming majority of us don’t have some deep-seated defect that will keep us from ever having a satisfying relationship. Your issues are more than likely things that, with a little knowledge and coaching up, can be fixed. You are not doomed to be single forever. Whatever flaws you do have can, not only be fixed, but can actually, with proper care, become your strengths.
God Is Punishing Me
The real reason you are still single is that you have committed an unpardonable sin and God is angry with you. It wasn’t a sin quite bad enough to warrant smiting you so He just banished you to the joyless Land of Forgotten Singles where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Actually, no, He didn’t. You will be relieved to find out that God is actually on your side. In fact, He is merciful, quick to forgive, and loves to give good things to His children. You just have to stop working against Him and learn to work with Him and do things His way.
It is important to realize that God is not all vengeance and wrath. He is also mercy, grace, and compassion. Those traits extend to places you would never believe possible. Whatever it is that you think God is punishing you for, confess it, repent of it, and know that He loves you. That is His nature.
I Haven’t Met the Right Person Yet
Most people believe they are still single because they have not met the right person yet. A lot of times this is closely linked to the myth that there is one special person out there just for you. If that is what you believe, I have good news for you. It’s not true. There are many people to whom you could be happily married.
3.5 Billion Possibilities
That being said, maybe you haven’t met someone you could see yourself being married to. Maybe you live somewhere where there is a very limited pool of prospects. Or, maybe you, like me, are hard to match. Here’s more good news. There are now over seven billion people alive on planet Earth. That’s billion – with a “b”. Slightly more than half of them are male and slightly less than half are female. That gives you a pool of about three point five billion possible matches – give or take a few hundred thousand. So, don’t give up just yet.
Could Be Your Perception
Another possibility is that you have met many suitable mates over the course of your adult life and never realized it. Sometimes we have weird, unhealthy, or unrealistic expectations about what our spouse should look like, how much money they should make, or how they should meet all of our needs. You could be interacting regularly with someone with whom you could be very happily married, but you don’t see it because of your warped expectations.
Okay, don’t start thinking about different people in your life and start looking at them funny. I’m not saying your perfect match is already there. I’m just saying who knows? They could be. Maybe you haven’t met a good match yet. But, maybe it’s your way of looking at people, your expectations, and your list of qualifications that need to be adjusted.
I Haven’t Become the Right Person
Okay, now on to what is usually the real crux of the matter. Have you ever considered that you might be still single because you haven’t become the right person yet? It could be that while you are focusing on things like why can’t I meet the right person or why is God punishing me, the thing you should be focusing on is becoming the right person.
Never underestimate the power of self-improvement. You may have met a few people who were just what you were looking for but you weren’t what they were looking for. That’s why I reference Andy Stanley’s statement so often. Become the person the person you’re looking for is looking for.
Who Is The Person You’re Looking For Looking For?
So, what does that mean?
Let’s say you want to marry someone well-off financially, what kind of person will they be looking for? Well, they probably won’t be looking for someone who is financially irresponsible. More than likely, they will be looking for someone who makes decent money and manages it wisely.
What if you’re looking for someone who is physically attractive and in great shape? Do you think maybe they will be looking for someone who keeps up their appearance, eats a nutritious diet, and knows their way around a gymnasium?
Or, let’s go at this from another angle. If you come off as someone who needs financial or emotional rescue, what type of person will that attract? Probably an overbearing, co-dependent person with a God complex who loves to see himself or herself as the rescuer of poor lost souls.
Begin with the end in mind. What type of person do you want to attract? I suggest you try to attract the type of person who is self-confident, secure in himself or herself, and who is healthy spiritually and emotionally. You want someone who knows what it takes to maintain a strong, lifelong relationship.
So, with that in mind, what type of person should you become?
I don’t know you. Not knowing you, I can’t know why you are still single. But, the overwhelming majority of the time, it has a lot more to do with you than the people around you or your circumstances.
Your best play is to make sure you are becoming the person you can and should be. None of the other things matter if you don’t take care of that first. Do the work it takes to become the most spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy and attractive person you can be.
Agree? Disagree? Why are you still single? Let’s talk about it in the comment section. Or:
on Facebook: ThriveSinglesMinistry
on Twitter: @ThriveSingles
via eMail: Ask@ThriveSingles.com
Join now to never miss another post and get my FREE ebook!