Okay, first, let’s get the bad news out of the way. Second virginity is not the same as virginity. Once you have sex you are no longer a virgin. That ship has sailed. There is no do-over. It is not truthful or accurate to call yourself a virgin. A virgin is by definition someone who has not had sex. Period.
Okay, that may seem a tad harsh, but as they say, it is what it is. The definition of virgin is what it is. Now that we have that out-of-the-way, let’s move on.
There are many of you who in a moment of weakness gave up your virginity and now regret it. Some of you were maybe coerced, tricked, or forced into giving up your virginity. Perhaps, an increase in knowledge or a change of heart has left you regretting earlier life decisions. Or, maybe you are like me, maybe you found yourself the victim of a divorce. Where does that leave you? Is there any point to second virginity if you are no longer a virgin?
Yes, there most certainly is.
After my divorce, I joined a program called DivorceCare. That is where I was first introduced to the concept of second virginity. Since then, I have also heard it referred to as “second chance virginity”, “secondary virginity”, or even “revirginization”.
The concept is simple and important. You can make a decision today to abstain from sex until marriage and be sexually pure from here on. You can deliver to your future spouse the purest you possible. The point is, you cannot change the past, but you can decide what happens next.
Right here, let me address my Christian brothers and sisters. The past is the past. It cannot be undone. But, thank God, there is forgiveness. There is no do-over, but there is a fresh start and a future that is a blank slate waiting to be written.
Here is an analogy for my Christian brothers and sisters. When you are born again, you are not physically born again. You are literally born again, but it is in the spiritual sense, not the physical sense. It is the same for second virginity. By definition, you are not a virgin, but in a spiritual sense you can become pure again in spirit and live in purity from this point on.
Easy? No. Doable? Yes!
The things which are most important, most worthwhile, and most rewarding in this life are seldom the things which are easily done. It is usually the hardest choices to make and the hardest things to do that lead to the best changes in life.
I would suggest to you that one of the biggest reasons there are not more people in the world striving toward purity is not because they don’t think it is a worthy goal or a good thing to do, but because it is hard to do. In fact, a lot of people think it is impossible. Why embark on a quest in which you are so likely to fail? Why swim against considerable social, cultural, and sexual currents?
And yet, more people than you would imagine begin this journey and fight this fight. Not all of them succeed. Some have more success than others. But, speaking for myself, I am glad I made the effort, despite my mixed success. I share a little about that in this related post.
Yet, despite so many failures, many people do achieve a second virginity that they feel great about and are happy to report to their future spouse when the time comes for those types of conversations. It is doable. Many people have done and are doing it.
But, why bother? Is this a goal worth pursuing? Without a clear vision of why you are striving for purity, you will never attain it. So, why bother? Is a second virginity really worth the effort?
For me, I believed I owed it to my future spouse to be as pure as possible for her. That only seemed fair since I expected to marry someone who remained pure and saved herself for me.
For many people, including myself, it is an obligation to God. As our designer, I trust that He has prescribed for us a way of living and conducting our relationships that will bring us the most joy and fulfillment.
I do not believe that overindulging our sexual appetite works any better for us than overindulging our appetite for food, leisure, or alcohol. You are a spirit and should be in control of your body. Giving in to all the demands of your body leads to obesity, laziness, drunkenness, STIs, and unwanted pregnancies.
Self-discipline is a mark of maturity and inner strength. People tend to not talk about this much in the context of their sexuality. But, in the same way that being physically fit or financially stable requires some self-control and delayed gratification, so does having a great relationship. I firmly believe that delaying sexual gratification until marriage makes for a stronger marriage and is well worth the sacrifice. In fact, I view it as more of an investment than a sacrifice.
For those of us who understand that a second virginity is important, desirable, and doable, here is the big question – how do I do this? With all the pressure from society, pop culture, and my own sexual desires, how can I possibly remain pure?
Know Your Why
First, as I indicated above, understanding why it is important and desirable is the first and most critical step to getting there. Without a clear picture of what you want and why you want it, you are doomed to fail. But, being convinced about something is only a first step. What other practical steps help us get there.
Keep Good Company
There are enough cultural forces pushing against sexual purity. You don’t need people in your life pushing against you too. As much as possible, surround yourself with people who encourage you toward purity and who live sexually pure lives themselves. This is true for friends, but it is especially true for people you go out with.
Put Safeguards in Place
Probably the best and most effective strategy is to not give yourself the opportunity fail. Only go out with safe people, people you know share your passion for purity. Instead of a late night date that ends up with you alone with someone late at night, opt for an early evening date in a well-lit public place. There is safety in numbers. Choose outings where you and your friends can be accountable to each other and keep an eye out for each other.
Make it Your Mission
The only way to have a successful second virginity is to make it your mission. If it is something you halfheartedly think might be a good idea you will fail. To succeed, your life of second virginity must be well planned, intentional and deliberate.
Perhaps it is too late for you to aspire to remain a virgin. You cannot rewind the clock and undo what has been done. But, it is never too late to enter into your second virginity. It is never too late to begin to value and to walk in sexual purity. In the future, when you find someone you are interested in marrying, you can look back at this moment and tell them that at this point you made the decision to save yourself for them.
So, ’til next time, make a decision, make a plan, and thrive on!
What about you?
Have you entered into a second virginity?
Do you believe it is important? Possible? Practical?
Let’s talk about it.
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