Just Get Over It
How many times have people told you to just get over it? As I wrote two weeks ago, I got over a lot of my issues as a single person. But of course, there are some things I just never got over.
First off, I would like to tell everyone telling everyone else to get over it, to get over it. There are no instant cures for this stuff. Some things take more than a simple admonishment to get over it to get over it.
Things I Never Got Over
Two weeks ago I wrote a blog post about the things I did right while I was single. In that post, I said I would write later about the dumb things I did while I was single. Toward that end, this week I want to admit to a few things I never quite got over while I was single. On some of them I did make some progress, but I never completely got over them.
I have always been a touchy-feely type of person. One of the things I missed the most after my divorce was kissing, hugging, and just touching in general. A bed can be a great big empty place when you sleep in it alone night after night, year after year, with no one else in it to kiss, cuddle with, or otherwise touch.
I tried various things. An extra pillow to hug on helped some. In fact, I know of quite a few singles who bought those huge body pillows just for that purpose. They all told me that it helped – at least to some degree.
Something I couldn’t try, because of my apartment, was having a pet. Owning, and more specifically petting a dog has proven health benefits. Just like when you touch a person, it measurably lowers your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, decreases your stress hormones, increases your relaxation hormones, and decreases your risk of cardiovascular disease.
But, both of these things can only help so much. Petting your dog is good for you and the dog, but it’s not quite the same as holding your spouse. I never got over that desire to have someone next to me. I think for most of us this may be an innate need.
I hate to admit it, but I never got over being jealous. Every time someone got married or even engaged, as happy as I was for them, I still felt jealous. If it was a woman I knew, I would think “Aw man! That’s one less option for me.” If it was a man I knew, I would always wonder if maybe God loved him a little more than He loved me.
Please don’t get me wrong. I was genuinely happy for them, but I was still jealous. I knew better. It wasn’t helpful or right. But, honestly, I was still jealous. This was especially true when it was someone who had not been single very long, the people I wrote about last week who make it look easy.
The only advice I have here is to love the people around you and be happy for them. And, never give up hope that if you really desire to get married you, more likely than not, will eventually get your turn.
If you have any advice on getting over jealousy, please share t it the comment section.
Where do I even begin with this one? I have written about my struggles with my sex drive in several posts. Be sure check out a few of these. The thing is that sex is something we are all hardwired to seek after. And for those of us who were married then became single, there is a huge void in our life. Something important that we really enjoyed is now missing.
So yeh, all the years I was single again I never completely got over missing sex. But, and this is an important but, I never let that urge drive me to marry too quickly or get into a sexual dating relationship or a one-night-stand.
Like I said about the desire for touch, it’s an innate need. I’m not sure that we were meant to ever get over our sex drive. I think it’s more a matter of keeping a taut rein on it and not letting it get us into trouble. Did I let it get me into trouble? Thank God, no. But, did I ever get over it? No. Not even close.
Marriage is, as many wedding vows begin, an honorable estate. It is also an estate to which the overwhelming majority of us still aspire. I know the numbers have shifted significantly among millennials. But, within a marriage is still the best place to raise children, the only place God not only allows but encourages sex, and the place where studies show the most frequent and most satisfying sex takes place.
I was extremely happy when I finally got married, and extremely heartbroken when I got divorced. Even with the heartbreak of a marriage ending, I never completely lost the desire to be married. Well, that’s not entirely true, I did lose it for a period of time immediately after the divorce. But, it returned and it got stronger and stronger as time went on.
Like I wrote about touch and sex, for most people, I don’t think the desire for marriage ever completely goes away. There are exceptions of course. Some people have weaker sex drives, not as much of a need for touch, and are completely comfortable in their single lifestyle. But, I think that they are the exception, not the rule.
So, no, I never got over my desire to get married, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. The key is to not be so obsessed with the idea of marriage that you let that desire drive you to make hasty or bad decisions.
In fact, that is the key when it comes to touch, sex, and marriage. These are things that you probably should never completely get over. These are God-given urges that are present in most healthy people.
But, never let these things drive you to do stupid things. I have seen far too many single people let those desires get them into trouble. In pursuit of touch, sex, and marriage they got in a rush, let down their guard, and lowered their standards. They ended up in relationships they regret doing things they regret.
If you are like me and are prone to jealousy, you really to need to work toward getting over it. On the other hand, if you can’t get over your desire for touch, sex, or marriage, that’s okay. In fact, it’s normal. Just don’t let your urges drive you to do dumb things.
What About You?
I’d love to continue this conversation in the comments. Let me know what you’re struggling with and what you have gotten over.
Till next week – thrive on!
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