Today I have a little encouragement those of you who are single and looking, single again, or just feel like you have been single way too long.
A Bit of My Story
When I found myself divorced at forty years of age, I thought my prospects were pretty bleak. There I was, brokenhearted, introverted, rejected, and not particularly good-looking, yet desiring to, at some point, remarry.
A few years later, I also found my income reduced. So, possessing neither lots of money, loads of charisma, nor lavish good looks, if I didn’t feel hopeless before, I sure felt hopeless then.
What Are the Odds?
There is this line of thinking that goes – I am too hard a case and too hard to match to ever find a spouse. I was all-in with that thinking.
First, I ruled out the majority of the population because I wanted someone who was an authentic Christian. Then the numbers got smaller because she had to have an artsy side and be able to put up with my artsy, introverted personality. The numbers then drastically shrank, because she had to be attracted to someone who looks like me. Then they shrink again because of my advanced age. And, oh yeah, I had to find her sexually attractive too. That seemed to leave, what? about one out of every million women; and my town only had about thirty thousand female residents. I didn’t like the odds.
Oh wait, this post is supposed to encourage you. And it should, because if someone as hard to match as I am can find love, perhaps you can too. And in fact, statistics say that most people who want to get married do.
I eventually reached a turning point. Somewhere along the way, a thought occurred to me, a little spark ignited and flickered to life. I was not unlovable. Be encouraged, neither are you. I had friends and family who managed to love me and thought I was actually a very nice guy. Maybe, just maybe, my ex’s inability to love me said more about her ability to love than my lovableness.
Once I figured out that I was not unlovable, it still took some work, but eventually, I managed to build up the confidence to interact with people from a position of strength. I learned that I could be the one to give heartfelt compliments, spark conversation, and encourage those around me.
The most amazing thing I discovered is that the people you might think are attractive, self-assured, and unapproachable sometimes need a little smile and a good word as much or more than anyone else. So be encouraged, the people you are afraid to speak to may not be as inaccessible as you think. They just need to know that your words are genuine and not offered with any ulterior motive.
Confident and Nice
There is great power in simply loving the people around you. When you decide that you can be the strong one, the encourager, and the one to show grace and love, be encouraged, people will be attracted to you.
But, it all has to do with your motives. Are you trying to manipulate people or are you genuinely trying to bless those around you? The truth of who you are will eventually find its way out. I made a habit of giving everyone the same attention and respect, the attractive and the unattractive alike, those I considered a prospect and those toward whom I felt absolutely no attraction.
Now, when you do this, some people will misinterpret it and think you are interested in them, especially if they do not usually get much attention. But, if they observe objectively, they will see that you treat everyone that way. Be encouraged. The good news is that the ones you are attracted to will also notice that you treat everyone well. They will find this very attractive.
All The Good Ones
Are Not Taken
Something else may encourage you. From my experiences in DivorceCare, singles ministry, and single life, I can tell you this with absolute certainty. For every person I heard say, “there are no more good ones out there”, I heard a person of the opposite sex say exactly the same thing. All the good ones are not taken. Nice guys and nice girls are out there everywhere looking for nice girls and nice guys.
More Good News
Here is one more reason to be encouraged. If you get married, the odds are actually pretty good that you will stay married. I am not going to get into all the research and statistical data right here, but after reading ¹The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn, it appears that the odds of staying married are a lot better than we have been led to believe.
So to Recap,
Be Encouraged Because:
- If someone as hard to match as I am can find love, so can you
- Most people who want to get married eventually do
- Great looks and plenty of money are not a necessity
- You are not unlovable
- People who you idolize might not be as inaccessible as you think
- Confident and nice is attractive
- All the good ones are not taken
- If you do get married, you will, more likely than not, stay married
Get Your Mind Right
and Get Out There
So, if you want to get married, get your mind right and get out there. Toward that end, getting your mind right, while you are here check out a few of my posts on dating and marriage. And, watch for more upcoming posts on how to be attractive.
Getting a hold of these truths will not guarantee you a wedding by this time next year. However, keeping these things in mind will provide you with a little encouragement and point you in the right direction.
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