Please allow me, as a former, long-term, midlife single person, to give you, as a currently single person, a very important piece of advice – don’t be desperate!
Desperate Is Not Attractive
One of the biggest turnoffs for me, as a single man, was women who came off as desperate. Desperate is not attractive. Desperate says, “I have no game, I have no self-worth, and I have no options.” Instead of saying, “Love me for who I am,” it says, “Love me because I fear no one else will.”
Please marry me or I will die an old maid or a lonely old man is an offer most people will walk away from – at a fast pace – or maybe a jog or an outright run. Aside from Jesus Christ, no emotionally and spiritually healthy person wants to be or is capable of being your savior. That’s a load no mere human can bear.
Emotionally healthy, well-adjusted, and self-confident people, in other words, people worth marrying, are repulsed by it. However, some people will find it irresistible.
Desperate Is Attractive
So, who will desperate people attract? – other, unhealthy people – desperate people, codependent people, and predators. In other words, it’s attractive to exactly the wrong type of people, people you would never marry or even go out with.
Other desperate people will be attracted to you – because they figure they have a shot with you – because you’re desperate too.
Codependent people will be attracted to you because they are sure they can fix you and save you from your desperation and loneliness. Of course, they can’t. Those types of relationships generally end badly.
Predators will be attracted to you because they know that in your desperation you will overlook red flags that would scare off healthier, more confident people.
Desperate Leads to Bad Decisions
As I hinted in the previous section, desperation leads to bad decisions. It will lead you to date or even marry people you shouldn’t – and never would have before the desperation set in. Predators love finding and taking advantage of people in that condition. This could mean taking advantage sexually or it could mean taking advantage financially.
This happens often because a desperate person feels so lucky that someone pays attention to them that they overlook warning signs that healthier people see.
Desperation Leads to Settling
It also leads to another bad decision – settling. To paraphrase a popular quote: sometimes the minimally acceptable is the enemy of true desire. A person who feels they lucked out to have the attention of anyone will not wait for the type of person they truly want. Out of desperation, they settle for less than what they really desire or deserve.
Don’t Go There
And yes, it is hard to not grow desperate as the months and then years pass by. I know. I lived it and I battled through it. The thought that kept me scared straight, honestly, was the thought of marrying the wrong type of person and going through another divorce. In my mind, I was better off single than in a bad relationship.
I have seen people give in to the desperation and the outcomes have not been good. Too many attractive, genuinely nice people end up getting hurt because they get tired waiting and get desperate. Don’t let that be you!
Thriving While Single
Learn to Thrive
The best way to avoid that is by learning to thrive as a single person. That’s what saved me from major relationship mistakes. That’s why I offer all the material you find on this blog – to help you thrive and avoid the pitfalls of single life.
Build A Good Life
By thriving, I mean I built a life that I enjoyed so much that I would not give it up for just anybody. Don’t get me wrong, there were times that I had to act well-adjusted and content even though deep inside I was growing restless. But, on the whole, I enjoyed my single life. Because I was far from desperate, I was able to wait for and eventually marry a well-adjusted, nowhere near desperate woman who was able to contentedly wait for me.
Fake It ‘Til You Make It
As I said, there were times I had to act content. There is some wisdom in the “fake it ’til you make” it strategy. Even if you at times feel desperate, don’t act desperate. It is unattractive and unhelpful. And, as you do the things confidant, happy people do, they start to become a part of who you are.
Learn and Grow
Sometimes change has to come from the inside and work its way out. Sometimes it starts with behaviors and works it way down. The best outcomes happen when you work at it from both places at the same time.
As you act less desperate, also do the work of adjusting your inner thoughts and attitudes. Feed your mind and spirit a steady diet of good, helpful material. The carefully chosen books I offer in the shop were invaluable to me as I learned to thrive. Also, the free resources under the Find Resource link on this page went a long way toward helping me thrive and avoid desperation.
So, to sum it up, desperation:
- Is unattractive to the right people
- Is attractive to the wrong people
- Leads to bad decisions
Fight it by:
- Learning to thrive
- Building a good life
- Faking it ’til you make it
- Growing as a person
If you find this helpful, pass it on!
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