How To Be Attractive | Confidence, Kindness, and Conversation

How To Be Attractive

Leading a singles group left me wondering about many things. This one, in particular always puzzled me. To me, it seemed like a big need in an important area. It was something that, as a single man, I worked hard on myself. Yet, for some reason, I never received many questions about it –  how to be attractive.

Perhaps, most of the singles there thought they were already very attractive. Or perhaps, they took one look at me and decided I had nothing to teach them. Or maybe, they were afraid to admit they needed help or afraid of what the answers might be.

However, I did a class on it anyway, and it was on of the best-received classes I ever taught. I did some local research and read some actual research and found they matched up pretty well. There are certain things that most people find attractive. I’m not going to try to cover everything today. This post will cover three key elements of being attractive.

These aren’t necessarily the top three ways to be attractive, but they are all important. Taken together, they are very helpful and have a nice alliteration – confidence, kindness, and conversation. I could have also added character, courage, and convictions, but I try to limit these posts to around one thousand words. There are also many others that don’t begin with a “c” sound. I’ll save those for other posts.


Confidence ranks high on many lists of attractive qualities. I believe it would rank even higher if people realized that it is what attracts them to some people even though they can’t quite put a name to it.

In a previous post, I wrote about making a list. Confidence was not on my “must have” list of things I was looking for in a wife. But, it was most definitely one of the things that attracted me to Anita, who I ended up marrying.

When I described her attractive qualities, I said things like – I like the way she carries herself or she is comfortable with who she is. Even though I might not have used the word confidence, that was absolutely one of the things that attracted me to her.

True Confidence

I also suspect it would rank higher still if people truly understood what it is and what it is not. Confidence often gets lumped in with or mistaken for pridefulness, pompousness, or arrogance, but it is none of those things. In fact, people who are arrogant are, not always, but quite often overcompensating for a lack of confidence.

True confidence is not boastful. It carries itself with a dignity and a boldness that does not require boisterousness and bravado. When people carry themselves in a confident manner, others just find themselves attracted to them.

For me, confidence was one of those “fake it till you make it” skills. At first, I just did the things that confident people would do. While doing that, I also did the inner work it took to become more confident. Eventually, the work paid off. I did become more confident. It will work for you too if you give it a shot.


It is amazing to me how many people overlook the simple concept of being kind. They will spend tons of money and do all sorts of ridiculous things trying to make themselves more attractive. But, they forget this basic yet amazingly attractive virtue.

True Kindness

And by kindness, I do not mean weakness. In fact, I would argue that to be truly kind you must do it from a position of strength. Real kindness does not stop you from doing what is necessary. Sometimes harsh things must be done or said. But, you can still do or say them in the kindest possible way. You do not have to add insult to injury.

Your kindness should also not be selective. If you are kind only to the person you are trying to impress, they will eventually catch on. One of the things that attracted Anita to me was that I treated everyone equally well – not just the women I might be interested in.

It is simple. Treating people poorly is not attractive. Treating people kindly is.


Here’s one I struggled with for a long time. I am introverted by nature and there was a time when I was very shy. But at some point, I realized I didn’t have to be brilliant or constantly offer profound utterances to make pleasant conversation.

Stay Informed

However, it does help to stay informed about what is important to those around you. That way, you have things to talk about. Broadening the range of people and topics you read about, listen to, and watch videos about will help you be a better conversationalist.


Learning to be a good listener also helps. As the old saying goes, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen more. Speak less. Actively listen. What are they really trying to say? What is their body language saying? As Stephen Covey so rightly teaches in ¹7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Put Others First

It also goes back to the Biblical principle of considering others more important than yourself. In our minds, we seem to think that what we have to say is more important, insightful, and correct than what others in the conversation have to say.

By listening to other people in the conversation we make them feel important. Plus, we might actually learn something from hearing their perspective. That is a win-win –  another great concept I learned from Stephen Covey’s book, and something that makes you more attractive to the people you talk to.

Confidence and Kindness in Conversation

And, these three things work well together. As you become more confident, you engage in conversation more. As you successfully engage in more conversations, you become more confident.

Now, here is where kindness comes in. People are more willing to talk to you when they feel it is safe to speak freely around you. Knowing that you will answer them in kindness, encourages them to engage with you more.

So, To Be More Attractive …

Learn to be and act more confident. Treat everyone around you kindly. And, take this confidence and kindness with you into your conversations.

Sounds simple. I know. But, it works.

I have much more to say on this topic. Be sure to check out a few of my other posts on being attractive and be sure to subscribe for more in the near future!

¹This is an affiliate link. If you are interested in this great book please purchase it through this link. Those purchases help make it possible for me to keep doing this. – Thanks!

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