Becoming More Attractive | The Basics


One of the basic tenets of thriving as a single person is learning to become more attractive. The two are interrelated and synergistic. The more you learn to thrive the more attractive you become and the more attractive you become the more you thrive.

So, how do you get that ball rolling? How do you become more attractive? I’m glad you asked. Here are a few basics.

Physical Attractiveness

We tend to think of physical attractiveness as something we are either born with or not born with. And while it is true that when it comes to body type and facial features some people are more genetically blessed than others, thank God, that is not the entire story.

Even for those of us not born with great genetics, there are things we can do to become more attractive.


It almost goes without saying, but I have to say it, staying in good physical health helps you look and feel more attractive. Do not underestimate the value of giving your body nutritious food, exercise, and enough good, sound sleep.

Like I mentioned a few weeks back, out of shape and sleep deprived is not a good look. You might need to rearrange your schedule to work in more home cooking, some exercise, and a good night’s sleep. It takes a little time and effort and perhaps forming some new habits, but it is both doable and worth it.

Well Groomed

It does not matter how genetically blessed you are if your grooming habits are lax. There is no excuse for habitually going out in public smelling like gym socks or looking like someone just roused you from your winter hibernation.

Here again, I feel like this should go without saying, but for God sake, bathe, brush your teeth, and style your hair – every day. Who knows? Your next trip to the grocery store you could find yourself talking to someone on whom you would like to make a good first impression. I’ve been told that you never get a second chance to do that.

For those of us not as genetically blessed, these things are especially important. But even if you have a killer body, piercing blue eyes, and those supermodel high cheekbones, bad breath is still a major turn off.

Properly Dressed

I cannot emphasize this enough. Even if you are indeed going to Wal-Mart, do not dress like someone from a ‘People of Wal-Mart’ video – ever.

Dress for the occasion. You don’t show up at church in a mini skirt. You don’t wear flip-flops to a dinner party, maybe a barbecue or a luau, but not an actual dinner party. And you never wear a sport coat to the zoo in August south of the Mason Dixon Line. In other words, dress right for the season, the location, and the occasion.

It’s also important to dress modestly. I’m not saying to always wear boxy, unflattering clothes. To the contrary, you should dress to deemphasize your weaknesses and enhance your strong points, but not to the point of showing off. Remember, if you dress to show off your body the interest you get will mostly be from people who are interested in your body.

Aside from that, some of my best advice about clothing would be to go through your closet. If there is anything you don’t feel super attractive in, get rid of it. And when you go clothes shopping, only buy clothes that make you feel attractive and confident when you wear them.


Ah, confidence, that brings us to the second area of attractiveness, emotional attractiveness. Physical attractiveness is important, but it is not all important. Equally important is learning to be more attractive emotionally. Even the most physically attractive person is unattractive if they are an emotional wreck.


The ancient saying is exactly right – Faint heart never won fair lady.

Self-doubt and arrogance are equally unattractive, but few things are sexier than confidence. This ties into physical attractiveness and other areas of emotional attractiveness. It’s easier to be confident when you like what you see in the mirror and you have your emotions in check and are not needy. Plus, feeling confident helps you be more open and friendly.

Confidence in large part stems from knowing that you are working to better yourself. Each increment of progress and every small victory along the way builds your confidence a little more.

It helped me to know that a lot of the people I thought had it together so well and appeared so confident struggled with confidence too. Even the most attractive women I interacted with in my single years struggled with their self-image.

Basically, I came to understand that we were all in the same boat, all on equal footing. We all had to deal with the same stuff. They were no better than me. I could interact with them as equals, even if we were far from equal when it came to physical attractiveness.

Not Needy

If you want to thrive and be more attractive to the opposite sex learn to not be needy. To most people, that is a huge turn-off. It is an opposite-sex repellent. It gets you stuck in a cycle of rejection that makes you feel more needy which makes you even less attractive.

I’m not saying to pretend you don’t care about other people. Just don’t care so much that your emotional well-being hinges on whether a certain person is attracted to you or not. We all want to be liked, but it pays to get to the point where it’s okay if not everyone likes you or if one certain person doesn’t like you.

Different people are attracted to different things. That’s okay. But, almost everyone finds neediness unattractive. So, acting needy is not okay – not if you ever want to thrive and be more attractive.

Open and Friendly

My wife, Anita, did some very wise things while we were single. One of the wisest was something she did when she first felt attracted to me.

First, she did some of the things I’ve mentioned already. She carried herself confidently and never acted needy. She was always appropriately dressed, well-groomed, and lived a healthy lifestyle.

One of the wisest things she did was to always be open and friendly toward me and other people. Some people have a body language that just screams don’t come talk to me, leave me alone.

People and companies offer entire courses on body language and other social skills. You might want to invest a little time and money in this area. For now, let me just mention a few basic things.

  • Listen and pay attention when others are speaking
  • Don’t stare, but do maintain a certain level of eye contact
  • Ask open-ended questions that give people a chance to show you who they are
  • Stand or sit at an appropriate distance, not so close they feel like you are invading their space, not so far that they feel like you are trying to get away
  • Smile – not some big, fake, cheesy smile, just a warm, friendly, it’s good to see you kind of smile

That is not even the whole tip of the iceberg. For a lot of us, learning to interact with people in an open, friendly, confident way takes some conscious effort and a lot of practice. But like all manner of self-improvement, it is worth the effort. It can make you more attractive.


There is more to life than the physical and emotional. We are by nature spiritual beings. If you want to be more attractive, don’t neglect the spiritual side of life.


What do you believe? Is it a half-hearted belief or are you passionate about it? People are naturally attracted to people who are passionate about the things they believe in and the causes they support. No one is attracted to someone because of their tepid, luke-warm lip service to a belief or cause, no matter how great that belief or cause it may be.

Are you a Christian? Musician? Entrepreneur? Educator? Bricklayer? Parent? Whatever you are, be passionate about it.

Here again, there is a balance. I’m not saying that you corner people and talk on and on about your passion for obscure eighteenth-century poets. But, if you do have the chance in the course of a normal conversation to talk about your work, hobbies, or beliefs, do so with a little enthusiasm.


You can add this to your list of things people find unattractive – hypocrisy. If you say you believe something, live like you believe it. Even if people don’t exactly agree with your belief, they will respect you more if you walk it out in your day to day life.

You are more attractive when your words and actions are consistent. When you live what you say you believe it gives people a sense that they can trust you. Authenticity is sexy.


The things I have written about so far are very basic. Now I want to briefly cover one more way to be more attractive and it is really basic. Love people.

Don’t be so self-centered. Work toward the good of those around you. Instead of always thinking about what’s in it for me and how can I make an impression on this person or that person, just treat everyone around you in a loving way.

What Matters to the People Who Matter

I believe that, in the end, to the kind of people you really want to be with, things like truthfulness, honor, gentleness, kindness, and especially love matter. And all of those other qualities ultimately stem from love.

Some people won’t find these things attractive. They are not the kind of people whose affections or company you want. It boils down to what I have written about many times before. To what kind of person do you want to be attractive? What do those people find attractive?

More Attractive

To be the most attractive person you can be, never stop growing as a person. Don’t neglect any area of life, the physical, the emotional, and definitely not the spiritual.

As long as this post ended up being, it is still nowhere near a complete guide to being more attractive. But if you learn to live your life as a healthy, well-groomed, properly dressed, confident, not needy, open and friendly, passionate, authentic, loving person, that’s a pretty good start.

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