Three “Who?” Questions
Before you begin learning how to be attractive it is helpful to assess where you are and decide where you want to end up. It is good to be attractive in general. It is even better to attract the specific kind of people who make great spouses.
Let’s begin by asking ourselves three vital “Who?” questions. Who are you attracting? Who are you attracted to? And most importantly, who do you want to attract?
Who are you attracting?
A little reflection is always helpful, so look back over your life. What kind of people do you attract? Who asks you out? Who goes out of their way to be around you and get your attention? Do you regularly attract the same type of people?
This is very instructional. Do you attract a lot of people to whom you are not attracted? Is there a lack of interest from the type of people you would like to attract? Do you tend to attract dysfunctional people and heartbreakers?
Before you throw up your hands and declare that all the good ones are taken, how about we …
Look Inside First
It is so easy to blame other people or circumstances for our lack of dating success. But the question has to be asked, is there something in your demeanor, your personality, or your way of relating to people that attracts the wrong type of people? Perhaps there are issues in your life you need to resolve. It could be your lack of confidence, neediness, overzealousness to nurture, or some other trait that limits your options.
Since we are often the last to know about our own annoying habits, irritating mannerisms, and poor body language, it is helpful to ask for an honest appraisal from a few people. These people should be people you know you can trust to give you the loving, yet honest feedback you need to become more attractive.
The Wrong Bait
If you are consistently catching “throwbacks”, you may be using the wrong bait. For example, if you are using your body as bait, what do you think you will catch? If you use expensive toys as bait, what do you think you will catch?
On the other hand, if you are using honesty, modesty, friendliness, a fun-loving nature, and intelligent conversation as bait, what type of people will that attract?
The Wrong Water
Or possibly, you are fishing in the wrong waters. If you are looking in places around town or online where most of the participants have had numerous sexual partners, what do you suppose you are most likely to find? If you look in places where people engage in activities you endorse and enjoy, what kind of people might you find there?
Or, perhaps the problem springs from …
Who are you attracted to?
It could be the difficulty is that you just don’t recognize a keeper when you hook one. Perhaps the trouble lies in who you find attractive.
What kind of people have you dated? Is there a certain type of person you find attractive? Have you dated the same type of person again and again? If so, what kind of person are they? What kind of person do you gravitate toward? Is that the kind of person you want to marry? How is that working out for you so far?
The type of person you are naturally attracted to may not necessarily be the type of person you should marry. Are you attracted to people who have the traits that make for a good marriage partner? Or, are you simply attracted to a face, a body type, or a good income? Don’t answer these questions with what you know the answer should be, be honest with yourself. An honest evaluation is a necessary first step toward positive changes.
If you find you are consistently attracted to the wrong type or are not sure who the right type is, it is time to give that some serious thought. Another good step in the right direction is to read my post on making a list.
That post is also helpful in answering the next question …
Who do you want to attract?
Before you learn how to be attractive, it is helpful to decide want kind of person you want to attract. Are you content to find someone who can breathe and has a pulse? In that case, that person will probably be easy to attract, but you might want to set your sights a little higher.
On the other hand, it would be considerably harder attract someone who is in top physical condition, has the looks of a model, makes a six-figure income, and shares your love of social anthropology and avant-garde, independent, foreign language films. In fact, that kind of person may not only be hard to attract, they may be hard to find – if they exist at all.
A Better Question
So, now let’s move beyond who has been attracted to you and who you have been attracted to so far. Let’s also set aside thinking about what kind of person you think you are able to attract. Instead, ask yourself this, what kind of person do I want to marry? Once you have that figured out you can go about mastering out how to attract that sort of person.
Notice that in the first paragraph of this section I used the phrase “decide what kind of person you want to attract”. I worded it that way very deliberately. Many people live by the mistaken belief that their tastes and preferences are hard-wired and cannot be changed.
The truth is that human beings are very adaptable and very malleable. As we gain more knowledge we can adjust our way of thinking about things and reprogram and reset everything about ourselves, from what kinds of food we eat to what kind of company we want to keep.
If that is true, and it is, then it is possible to decide what kind of people you want to be around and what type of person you want to marry. And as you can read in some of my other posts on the subject, it is possible to become attractive to that very type of person.
So, what kind of person do you want to attract? Is that who you are currently attracting? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
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